http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos.html
Recently I admitted to an aquaintence that I had smacked my eldest child, she said, "Whoa! You are brave to admit it"! I was a little taken aback by this, was she saying she disapproved? Well, actually, what she was saying was, "there is a time and place for everything; even smacking". I don't tell you this to endorse smacking, just that I have and at the same time have never been more aware of this weird dance we play amongst each other. Constantly sizing each other up and saying as much or as little as is acceptable.
My husband and I lived over seas for years, socializing with ex-pats and just talking in all honesty, all childless, all with nothing to lose. Now we have relocated to our home country to be "near" to our families, start a family of our own and lay some roots. We are doing it, we are creating a new net work of friends but life is different in the hood, "parent hood" that is.
Having children has introduced us to many people, as has work, but in our age bracket so many people have had or are having kids. There is a lot of support for the, um... the regular day to day of parenting. But what of the under belly...
What about the first time you got your period after your first child was born? You could have gone 18 months, or even more, with out having one. When it did return did you feel like you were going to have a mental breakdown in the super market? I did. Did you feel completely alone after so many months of being watched over? I did.
How about... husband builds you a house when he's not working and your rental runs out? You find yourself living two hours away, completely alone, now with two babes, commuting on weekends. Pack, un-pack, parent solo. Let me tell you, its hell! What do you say to people then? "Well, I know I'm getting a brand new house and every thing, but parenting all by myself, well...It's shit and I'm alone and miserable".
By this stage every one is hearing you complain, but their own lives are so full of babies and hard work that although they can sympathise, you really are all on you own.
And guess what?! That's OK cause you'll get through it. Yep, you'll get through it. And what makes it all bearable? Is that you can talk about it!
Start talking and speak openly, you'll be surprised how many other people just want to talk openly too. If they are critical, move on, the last thing you need is to be judged.
Vanessa.
I don't agree with spanking and Sean and I are against disciplining Silas that way but I would never judge you for smacking your child. Everyone has their own methods of parenting and none of them is wrong so long as they are carried out with respect and loving intention and don't harm. Becoming a parent has definitely made me more understanding of other people's choices, not just in regards to parenting issues but all issues.
ReplyDeleteThere is a huge difference between offering advice and instilling your opinion. People who don't respect my choices hit a soar spot.
It is so sad that we are afraid to voice ourselves on certain things for fear of being criticized. It's also amazing how uninhibited we were at times overseas. That came with it's good and bad I must say though. There has to be a balance and you have to respect other's feelings.
Man, I am not looking forward to getting my period again. I may just call you whilst freaking out at the market!
Sarah
Totally, I don't agree with spanking either! And yet at the time, and in the moment, I thought it was effective. I was solo parenting, I was exhausted and more than anything, I realize now, I was frustrated.
ReplyDeleteTime out is where I turn now but I just don't need it as much anyway. We are together again as a family, I have the support of my husband and the children are more settled.
You raise an interesting point, people who don't respect my choices... Another friend and her husband at the time explained why they don't smack, "Aside from it being proven ineffective, smacking teaches fear of the parent rather than teaching not to do the wrong thing". This was said in conversation not at me on their way out the door. That night I thought and thought about their views, they made sense and I could understand them.
Their attitude shows how responding and not reacting can make a real difference to someone.
I wonder when you read my post did you read it as about smacking or keeping quiet?
I read it as about keeping quiet with smacking as the example. You came across clear.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about another example while at the drop-in we go to, led by a nurse, the other day. Very interesting. She mentioned how doctors will tell you never to sleep with your child but that most parents do it anyway. My midwife said the same thing. 'I'm suppose to tell you not to sleep with him but since I know you will...' Why do we cover these things up? Isn't it best to voice them in order to make them safe?
Sometimes we are just way to concerned with appearances and that has its consequences!
So happy you and your family are back together, supporting each other and experiencing together.
Expressing views are one thing, but yes, listening to them are quite another. I've been having a hard time dealing with the cultural differences regarding child-rearing. Here in Morocco, it's seemingly OK for everyone on the street, be it a passerby, a parking attendant or a shop clerk, to tell you what is best for your baby at the time they see them. How many countless times I've swallowed up people telling me to cover her up becuase it's drafty (breezy), or the sun is shining, or she should drink water becuase she coughed or or or or.. all just little things, but added up several times a day it can really get to you. I just don't see the sense in wearing 6 layers in 20 degree weather just because it's 'winter', or covering exposed skin becuase there's a breeze. I don't want to critisize the Moroccan folk culture because in all honesty, everyone believes it and who am I to judge.. I just want to say that moms thank you for caring, but please just send us your prayers instead. Our lives are complicated enough as it is... If we want your help or advice, we'll ask!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty, Ness. This is a great venue for Moms!